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10-13-09
Dear Cow Wabby,
I'm an addict and I need your help. There,
I've said it. My secret is no longer a secret.
I've
been hooked on grass for several years. It started when I was just a youngster.
One day my mom couldn't satisfy my hunger and I noticed another calf
nibbling on some green stuff, so, pressured by my peers, I tried it.
I was hooked on grass right away, but I didn't know it - or didn't want to admit
it.
I still pretended to
be interested in the warm nourishment from Ma, but what I really wanted was more grass.
Pretty soon it didn't matter how I got it. Once I followed the neighbor's cows as they
climbed the steepest mountain just for a few bites.
I even broke into a barbed wire exclosure, numb to the poking of those barbs, when I saw the
most beautiful crop of green you could imagine.
I've been known to throw all caution to the wind for just for a nibble. I've even broken down
fences 'cause it's true - the grass is always greener on the other side.
The more I have, the more I want. I haven't noticed any major health problems, but I'm
sure this habit is not without consequence.
I do find myself not caring about my appearance. For example, I'm getting fatter and fatter.
Nothing seems to matter except grazing.
Last spring
when the bulls didn't glance my way, I found solace in some tender shoots down by the creek. Sometimes when my tummy
is so darned full,
I actually
have adopted the bulimic habit of burping it back up so I can eat it again.
When my supply runs out, I wait like an unemployed auto worker for the handout each day.
I have no pride left.
And I have a dealer - I meet him down at the feedground
and he drops it off the wagon as he drives by. I'm not even sure how much it's costing me, but I don't care.
I know he'll be around to collect some day.For the past several years he's taken my offspring, but despite the loss of my calf
and the painful adjustment of not being nursed,
I cownsole myself by eating more grass! And
it doesn't stop there - I've led several of my heifer calves into this life - teaching them how to search for the best patches.
I'm sure my offspring
suffered from fetal grass syndrome: born into a life of grass addition. How bad is that?
Cow Wabby, I'm desperate! Please help me get off my grass and kick this habit.
Signed,
Cain't Wait For More of That Green Green Grass of Home
Hay Stupid!
Yeah, you .. You have to be the dumbest cow I've ever heard from. I'm goin'ta give you
an answer,
but I'll bet my greasy green rump that you don't
lift your hungry head up long enough to read it.
You started on grass as a young calf and now, after years and years of pluckin'
the pastures, you ask for help?
Your conscience suddenly
kick in, or what? You been readin' them self-help billboards out next to the fence again, ain't ya, Crackers...?
Here's
the facts: Montana grass is some of the most highly prized grass in the country. There's no getting off it once
you've tried it.
You could get on NutriLix, Loomix,
Crystalix, or other supplements, but they're just crutches.
You
could try Cowncelling, but while it might help plump up your self esteem, when the day is done, you're gonna be a gropin'
for more green grass.
You're hooked on that Green God and you may as well plan on Bowing Before that
Organic Altar the rest of your natural days.
My advice
to you, Google Eyes, is to accept yourself and adjust to the fact that you're gonna be grazin' on green forever.
Relax
and Waller in your Wellness, Whiney-Poo, until you're tits up and cowmposted for the greater good of generations of green
gluttons.
Now excuse me - I have a lunch date with a bale processor - DON'T INTERRUPT ME AGAIN
Signed,
You Don't Want To Make Me CowWabby
#4: Dear Cow Wabby: I'm a Beauty and he's a Beast!
Dear Cow Wabby ~
I'm at wits end. There is a bull in our pasture who won't leave me alone.
When I'm trying to socialize with my friends, he prances around, sniffing
and snorting, and demands my attention.
I
know bulls have their place, but I'm not ready to jump on the "have a calf - nurse a calf - wean a calf -
have another calf " bandwagon like all the other heifers
seem to have climbed on.
I've given him all the rejections signs I can think of, but he won't quit.
How can I let this bull-y know that I don't want
his attention? I've tried turning my back on him; I've walked away.
I don't
like the bulls; I don't like their smell.
And I especially
don't like this one that's always bull-ying me. Frankly, I'm put off by it all.
He just doesn't get it.
Signed,
...I'm a Beauty But He's A Beast.
Dear Beauty Is Only Hide Deep ~
Well, ain't you somethin', Princess.
You don't like bulls, you don't like their smell and you don't like
to be bullied. Well, La De Da ...
Well, Sugar, let me ask you this: How do you feel about onions?
'Cause without these bullish beasts and their
service,you will soon be
sharing a bun with
sliced onions and some cheese and served with a side of fries.
My advice to you is to jump on the "calf band-wagon" soon
or you're going to be taking a ride on the meat wagon.
He
may not get it until he "gets it". There are some things a cow must endure to stay on the ranch.
If I was you, I'd call that beast as soon as you get the urge, tolerate
him until you get the job done and he'll lose interest.
You might think you're a beauty, Scrumptious, but, believe me,
that bull couldn't pick your face out of a line-up of one.
So put your gigantic ego - and the bull behind you, and get on with
your life.
Signed....
You Royal Pain in the Ass Heifers Make Me Cow Wabby.
#3 Dear Cow Wabby: I'd Be The Most Cowntented Cow In all
The West
July 22, 2009
Dear Cow Wabby ~
This spring the rancher went to a bull sale in a nearby town and bought the highest priced bull
there -
What A Beauty! He's everything I
could ask for in a mate, and more! Mixing his genes with mine guarantees we'll have the best offspring ever!
I couldn't have found a better mate if I'd used E-Cowmany! My dreams had
come true!
The rancher picked him because his EPDs (Expected Progeny Differences)
are exactly the ones to complement my top-notch beef traits.
His
rib-eye measured off the chart! His ....ahem... scrotum size, you realize, will just amaze, not to mention the "unmention-a-bull
part".
But now I've had it ....once - just once!
....then Mr. Bull Bailey proceeded to mate with all the other cows in the pen! ....without so much as a glance
in my direction!
I need your advise - how can I buy a papered bull that I can call my own,
a bull that other cattle cannot steal.
I want to
be the one to have the fun; I want him to wear my brand.
Can you help?
Signed,
I'd Be the most Cowntented Cow in all The West
Dear Miscowntented ~
It doesn't matter if you live in the west, Queenie, or where you live.
What we have here is a cowsick case of jealousy.
If you're miscowntented, it's of your own doing. The rest of the herd seems happy to
share the bull, and you should be too.
There's
nothing wrong when all the calves are cowsins - that just makes the herd tighter.
Mr. Bignads has enough little swimmers to go around
- that's why he brought the highest price at the sale.
He can service the cows in your pen, the pretty little heifers in the neighbor's lot,
and still slip down the road to give those old gummers
at the stockyards their last thrill, if given the chance.
Now, be realistic - if you and Mr. Moovelous were to mate only with each other, you'd
only produce one calf a year,
and
your rancher would be known as a "cow rancher" instead of a "cattle rancher" - not much profit in
that.
You're pretty precious, Sweetcheeks, but you're not
the only old hide waiting to be mounted, if you get my drift.
You oughta be glad he views you from the rear, Precious. I'm bettin' it's your good side 'cause I'm
pretty sure you have a sour look on your mug.
So cownt
yer blessings, Ms. AmeriCow, and be glad you've had it. Your son, the steer, should be so lucky.
Signed,
I'm Cow Wabby and You're Makin' Me CowRanky.
#2 Dear Cow
Wabby: Talk About Tremblin T*ts
July 9, 2009
Dear CowWabby~
I'm a young heifer who has just about had it with my calf. No matter where
I am, he's sucked on to me like an Electrolux demonstrator!
I
know I got myself into this fix by foolin' around with the bulls, but I don't know how to handle this.
I've had enough of this sucking stuff! I'm SUCKED DRY! Any advice you can
give me?
Signed,
Talk About Tremblin' T*ts
Dear Titsy:
You should have signed your name "Thankless", 'cause you don't seem to appreciate the opportunity
you've been given.
If you didn't have the calf
by your side, Honey, you'd be on the first truck to market. So pay attention to him - let him turn you inside out if need
be.
Your your future depends on him tipping
the scales come shippin' time. The mothers of those scrawny, fussy eaters will be going down the road,
but those who raise good, strong calves are bound to be around for a long
time to come. So the next time your little darlin' latches on, cownt your blessings!
Signed,
You're Just Stupid and I'm Cow Wabby
#1 Dear Cow Wabby: Lookin' For Love
June
30, 2009
Dear Cow Wabby,
I
recently noticed a bull from the neighbor's pasture peeking over the fence at me.
I think he's interested, but I don't know how to tell for sure.
Any advice?
Signed,
I've Been Looking
For Love In All the Wrong Places
Dear Lookin'
for Love ~
Of course he's interested,
that's his job description.
There are a cowple of signs to look for. Is he breathing?
Is he male?
He can't help whose brand he carries, but he doesn't know boundaries.
If you want to find out for sure if he's interested, just
mosey on down
to the weakest part of the
fence and turn your back on him. You'll know!
But don't get your patnies in a wad if he's also interested
in your cousins or your aunts.
And remember, he's not the only bull in the pen.
You must have a neighbor on the other side of the pasture,
don't you?
Test that barbed wire,
Honey, and look for love in all the right places.
I'm Truly CowWabby
